Underletters #5 – July 2013 – Letter from Jasper Baelian Black to his daughter Bethany Black

Bethany.


I don’t know how to begin this – I have no idea what to say or how to go about saying it that will make any of it any easier.


I can’t be all poetic and lyrical…neither of us have the attention span for that, I can’t write you romantic poetry or use words the dazzle and manipulate you. You know all my games, you know all my tricks…and I would never try them on you in any case…because, like me, I know you’d hate me for it.


I’m in love with you.


It’s as simply as that, and means nothing and everything at the same time. It’s pathetic really, it’s not beautiful like when I say it to Bella, it’s not funny, it isn’t even mildly charming. It feels empty…pointless, like a death knell and a funeral song.


Tragic really…I should be allowed to love you this much and more. I should have loved you beyond what I am capable of now since the day you were born, and in my own fashion I tried. They tried to keep you from me, they tried to tell me that I wasn’t good for you back then…and they most certainly would say the same and more now…but I stopped caring a while back what they all thought of me.


I figured out, you see, that in the end they were all only looking after themselves. In the end, it was THEIR happiness and their reputations and their needs that mattered. Sure…it all made sense, send the kid to be with her mother in a seemingly stable household with two parents who weren’t fucked up on cocaine and bourbon and valium and medication all the time. She’d be safe there…she’d be looked after there.


But it was a lie and I knew it. They knew it too.


I abandoned you because I was scared. Scared of hurting you, scared of not being able to love you the way you deserved. Scared of becoming my father.


Ironic, that in the end I did anyway.


I’ve turned it over and over in my mind, this feeling, this suffocating and crippling need to be near you all the time. Love…yes, like a father for a daughter, but you and I both know that it’s not that simple or innocent. Lust, then? Most definitely – like a drug that I would happily lose myself in and never wake up from…I could give a damn who thinks it’s wrong.


I’m not a fool, my darling…I know that I’m not meant to be happy in this lifetime…not for very long. The time I’ve borrowed with Bella will inevitably come to an end, I’ll do something stupid or she will…maybe we both will. What else is there for us, for our Family? We’re cursed…all of us.


You talk about jealousy…you can’t even begin to know the meaning of the word….


I hate seeing others touch you, I hate Jett for keeping you from me and that sniveling Mr Nick for thinking he could ever be worthy of you, I hate Jack Lad for having the courage to be what I’m not, I hate Amaranth and her snooty and pathetic ‘victim’ ideals and morals…and every other dirty, disgusting thing that thinks they can put their hands on you.


They don’t understand, you see, that you’re mine…that you’re always going to be mine, now, tomorrow and long after you’ve stopped wanting to be. You’re my blood, you’re part of me and when everyone else is gone – when they’ve abandoned us…it will still be just you and me.


And if you run from me, I’ll find you.


If I could chain you to my side, have you near every waking moment, bury myself inside you, breathe you in and die I would do it gladly…I’d kill you too, just to keep them from taking you away once I was gone.

I don’t give a fuck about appearances. I don’t care if the whole damn lot of them leave, if Bella goes crying to her damned Violet for comfort because nasty old Jasper Black is beyond salvation. I don’t care if they condemn us both to hell.


All I care about is you. Your happiness, your needs, your wants…


But I care about my own too, and I am not convinced that you feel the same as I do.


You, my dear child, are as fickle as I…changeable, like the weather…loving on a whim. You would have me topple the entire house of cards only to run away with your English Teacher when you got bored.

You play the games and say the words in private, but when others are near, you turn on me just like everyone else.


And that, my darling dear, is why I will never leave Bella…and I will never be yours. Not until you grow up…not until you make very clear in your mind the decision about what kind of future you want and with whom.


I can go out on a limb with the rest of them, I can risk it all, throw it all away and start again. I’ve done it before.


You, Bethany, have not. You still hide in the shadows playing kiss-chasey like a child…squealing when you’re caught and denying that you were playing in the first place.


I cannot and will not destroy what little chance of happiness I have on what if’s and maybe’s.


Let us speak like adults, for once…for we’re both inclined to hide behind our childish natures for protection all too often.


Can we be together?

Yes.


Will everyone hate us for it?

Most likely.


Do we care?

That remains to be seen.


You talk about being willing to try. I need you to show me.


I need you to show the world just how you feel, and to stop hiding like a kid behind your games and innuendos and lies.


I will not play any more games. I will not indulge any more tantrums. I will simply turn and walk away, and go back to my wife – who loves me and understands me as best she can.


….I would throw it all away to belong to you, if I knew that I had you too. But I don’t know that you’re ready to grow up that much yet.


So, my love…the ball is in your court (if you’ll pardon the pun). My bedroom door is open as always, and what you give me I’ll take…and what you don’t give me I’ll take anyway.


The question now becomes, Bethany Black…how long are you going to keep ME in the shadows? And can you stomach living in the light?


Yours, Jasper Baelian Black.


All characters and story lines remain the property of N.Ristovski and the Underground. All character writings within the Underground are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2013. Natalie Ristovski.

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