Underletters #1 – 2013 – Bella Jade to Jasper Black

Hand-written letter delivered to Jasper by Violet.

I love you.

There it is. In my mind it’s been big enough to rival the greatest literary love stories of all time. Down on paper it seems so small, so pitiful and desperate, but there it is.

This isn’t an apology. You know me better than that. This is what I need to express to you without your sarcasm, without you rebutting with something self-pitying, and without you walking away from me. I need you to read this in full, and make of it what you will.

In regards to the incident that occurred last night. I am not superhuman. I lost my cool, but then Bethany can do that to the strongest willed of people. My mother is a sore topic for me as you know and if someone outside of the family made that crack it would have ended in a trip to A&E, Bethany got a hard truth instead. It was inappropriately timed but she made her own bed in that respect. There’s only so far you can bend something before it breaks, and I just broke.

When I first realised what had happened between you and Bethany I was devastated. Not because of jealousy or anger, but because you were so determined not to cross that line and I had hoped so desperately that you had the strength, because not crossing that line was all that was keeping you from destroying the last shred of your self respect.

It destroys me to see you kill yourself slowly because you hate yourself that much, but if I thought that you really, truly wanted to die I would let you. I’m just not convinced you don’t see a glimmer of hope. Because despite what you think I am not putting you through rehab so that I can feel better about myself, or because the family needs you or any other bullshit reason you can conjure up. If you couldn’t stand living with the memories of your past, I would understand. Really I would. I know what it’s like to live with memories that make you want to lobotomise yourself. I would rather be alone and lonely for the rest of my life than force you to suffer if you really wanted out. Because I love you. You are the only man in my life I have ever loved and to me that is what love really means.

But darling Jasper, I don’t know if you love the same way. You love like a child loves. Intense and all-consuming, but selfish and fickle. I’m not berating you. You know this all already.

How could I take that final step when I don’t know if you’re going to take everything away? I’m not talking about the money either. I don’t give a fuck about the family fortune. The only reason I’m in charge of the family finances is because no-one else can be trusted not to fritter it away keeping up appearances or snorting expensive narcotics. I mean you. You and the family. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

But just like you think everybody leaves in the end, I think I will destroy everything in the end. Everything.

The ice queen protects us all from what is inside me, and what’s inside yourselves. She makes the hard decisions that no-one likes, she gets her hands dirty so that no-one else in the family has to deal with reality. She reads your psych reports that keep her up at night and then sleeps with the re-occuring dreams of her own torturous childhood and her mothers face bleeding from the bullet holes she arranged while bits of skull and brain decorate the pillows. She deals with the psychotic fans of the family, the security risks to the submissives, the dangerous clients of Bethany, the late night emergencies when Betty accidentally overdoses, and cleans up the negative press when incidents occur with Jett.

In the process she has become the ‘mean mother’ and it’s easy to hate her. But then maybe I will be the one that destroys it all. After all I destroyed my own mother. Perhaps the family would be happier without me. Would you?

So there it is. It would be simple really, all you’d have to do is hand this letter to the authorities. It’s in my hand writing with practically a confession of murder. You’d be rid of me that easily. Chalk it up to a poor investment, as after all that’s what I am. Just another possession of a rich little boy.

But if you love me and can see that glimmer of hope in me that I see in you, I will keep fighting for this family. I will keep being that hated authority figure because that’s what the family needs. I will not play ‘nice’, I will make you go to your therapy sessions and take your medication, I will probably put Bethy into maximum security rehabilitation because she is going off the rails, I will continue being the buzzkill when you drink too much or shoot your mouth off to reporters, and I will not share your bed again until this family rift has healed.

Perhaps never, I don’t know. At least not until I know you won’t take your love away from me.

But I leave it to you.

With everything I have and everything I am, I lay myself at your feet.

Crown me, or behead me, it’s your choice.

Bella Jade Black.

Written by Bella De Jac.

All characters and story lines remain the property of N.Ristovski and the Underground. All character writings within the Underground are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2013. Natalie Ristovski.

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