Newsflash! The Lion Sleeps Tonight!

Saturday 28th May, 2016.  2:00pm.

Just two weeks after the fiasco at a inner city eatery, the Black Family have made headlines Australia-wide again, this time at the Melbourne Zoo!

The fiasco began at 2.30pm yesterday afternoon, when notorious playboy Jasper Black arrived with a young lady by the name of ‘Opium’ to the popular family destination for what he called a ‘play date’ – whatever that means.

The pair were spotted canoodling in the gardens by onlookers, but the fun did not really start until they entered the butterfly enclosure at approximately 2.45pm. It was there that Mr Black’s companion seemed to have her first ‘episode’ of the afternoon.

“She became quite agitated and anxious,” a mother of two, who had been present within the enclosure at the time of the incident, told reporters, “She was waving her arms about shrieking about rabies and swatting at the poor butterflies. She crushed a good two or three before the fellow she was with literally picked her up and carried her outside.”

Shocked observers watched as Mr Black carted his companion through the gardens. “He was laughing hysterically at her and she was giggling too, though she seemed quite out of sorts. It was disgusting, the way he carried her over his shoulders like she was a side of beef.”

The second incident occurred barely an hour later, when the pair were admitted to the seal enclosure for a special ‘meet and greet’ with the mammals.

“He told us that Opium wanted to see the seals,” a Melbourne Zoo staff member told us, “And he had the money to pay for the privilege, she got to go right into their pen…then she decided she wanted to go for a swim with them!”

According to our sources, Ms Opium dived straight into the water after the bewildered animals, struggling to swim and slipping under the surface in moments. She was hauled to safety by her companion, Mr Black, who allegedly dove in and dragged her out again, laughing all the while.

“She was unimpressed with his mocking, she hit him a few times and tried to push him back into the water…then five seconds later she kissed him and suddently they were all over each other, I mean, like, going for it right there in the enclosure!”

“We were walking through the underground tunnels at the time,” an unimpressed schoolteacher was overheard telling parents, “The kids started making a commotion and I went to see what all the fuss was about, expecting they were excited about the seals….but no, some insane man and a young woman were paddling about in the water and…well…putting on quite an offensive show…”

Both Mr Black and Ms Opium were apprehended by security and handed over to the authorities, but not before the latter made a dash for the lion’s den, gnashing her teeth and roaring like a madwoman at the animals.

“I’ve never seen anything like it…and I’ve worked here for ten years,” one of the zoo’s regular security staff told us.

Mr Black and his partner in crime were taken into custody but as of yet no formal charges have been made. Police refused to comment, but insiders say that drug and alcohol abuse was a ‘highly probable’ cause for the disturbance. At the time of printing, the Black Family representatives were not available for a statement.

All characters and story lines remain the property of N.Ristovski and the Underground. All character writings within the Underground are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Copyright © 2015. Natalie Ristovski.

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