Newsflash! All you can Eat!

Sunday 15th May, 2016.  11:00am.

Visitors to one of Melbourne’s hottest and most upmarket dining experiences got more than they bargained for last night, when two guests decided that the ‘all you can eat’ buffet included a generous serving…of each other!

Notorious billionaire playboy Jasper Black and a female companion attended the Flinders Lane eatery between 9 and 11pm last night for a late dinner. An insider who elected not to be named told reporters that Mr Black and his guest seemed “out of sorts and high on some substance or another.”

“I knew they were going to be trouble the moment they arrived,” another patron added, “She was dressed wholly inappropriately for a family restaurant and he kept putting his hand up her dress and making her shriek loudly…they were acting like a pair of drunk teenagers.”

Horny teenagers, as it turned out to be, for the pair had barely made it to their first course before the real fun began.

“She disappeared under the table for what seemed like forever…and he was giggling like a child and drinking from a bottle of vodka that he’d swindled the staff into leaving at the table…”

According to our source, many diners complained about the ‘disturbance,’ only to be told that Mr Black was a ‘valued client.’

“It’s like they didn’t care at all about the concerns of decent people…he had the money and the charm and apparently that’s all you need to be able to do whatever you want these days…”

However it seems that even money and charm have their limits. When the young lady resurfaced and sprawled across the table with her…ahem…legs akimbo and no underwear, even the wait staff decided enough was enough.

“Things moved pretty quickly after that…the guy face-planted in her nethers, people started shouting, the lucky girl was cackling and moaning. One kid started crying and a few others were cheering them on…pity that the staff broke them up before we got to dessert…” an amused witness joked, “You usually have to pay to see that stuff…”

Although the Black Family declined to comment, the venue has stated that it has no intention of pressing charges for what was clearly a misunderstanding blown out of proportion – no pun intended. Both revellers were later seen being escorted from the hotspot by police, though staff denied calling them and claimed that one of their guests must have taken it upon themselves to get the law involved.

“It’s disgusting, who do they think they are?” our source responded to this morning’s news, “And him with a wife and a new baby at home, carrying on like this…I hope she has the good sense to divorce him and save the last shreds of her dignity.”

Whatever happens next, ‘all you can eat has’ now taken on a whole new meaning in Melbourne…

All characters and story lines remain the property of N.Ristovski and the Underground. All character writings within the Underground are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Copyright © 2015. Natalie Ristovski.

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