Black, Borgia, Lannister...What's in a Name? The Loves and Lives of the Black Family

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton – you may as well make it dance” – George Bernard Shaw.


The Black Family Tree reads like a ‘do’s and don’ts’ of breeding and inbreeding. Let us not mince words – with a family where brothers sleep with each other’s wives, fathers impregnate their daughters and women marry portable air-conditioning units there comes to a point where nothing surprises you.


At least you think nothing will.


So it was with the Black Family, whose melodramatic machinations have seen us shake our heads and check for concussion at the best of times. We honestly thought nothing they did could ever shock us again. We truly believed that we had seen everything.


Then the ‘nightmare months’ of April and May came…and we realised just how wrong we were. We came to understand that our fragile and sometimes overly-sheltered minds were unable to even conceive of the abominations and atrocities being committed by the so-called ‘privileged few’ under our very noses. We realised that what we thought was the bottom of the barrel was truly only the beginning of a long descent into the abyss.


And we came to understand, too, that all the rumors were true.


There is a poison that must be stamped out in our community, my friends…and its name is the Black Family.


Go Away Little Girl…

“I’m pregnant…and it’s yours.”


Those were the words young Bethany Black spat at her beloved ‘Uncle J,’ at the Underground two weeks ago, shattering forever any illusion we may have had that there was ‘nothing going on,’ between the billionaire playboy and his somewhat wayward niece.


Bethany Belladonna Black, you will remember, is the alleged daughter of Jasper’s younger brother Jett and the Stepford wife Betty and has always had a ‘thing’ for her uncle (12 years her senior)…an unhealthy sexual obsession that was more often than not swept under the carpet and laughed off with a ‘she’ll grow out of it’ attitude. Remember too on New Year’s Eve the scandal that surfaced around a paternity test naming Jasper as Bethany’s legitimate father…the unwanted product of an adulterous affair between himself and his brother’s wife.


So is this history repeating itself?


We all recall that unfortunate business with Jerald Black and his daughter Belladonna thirty years ago…rumors of incest and bastard children…are we truly surprised that an apple like Jasper would fall from such a tree?


“That night was pretty intense…there was shouting and violence…Bethany got quite aggressive and had to be physically restrained by Jack Lad,” said one onlooker, “He literally had to carry her out of the room with Jasper shouting all manner of horrible things after her.”


“He called her a liar and a whore,” added another, one of the so-called Undergroupies, “I’ve never seen him get that angry at anyone. I think it’s because Bethany turned on Bella…and we all know how he feels about her…”


Her Royal High-and-Mightiness, Bella Jade Black, seemed rather stunned by the whole debacle…choosing to try and placate Bethany instead of protecting her ‘King.’ Are we surprised? Not really.

We were rather surprised to hear, however, that the ice-queen seemed to lose her cool later in the evening, being overheard shouting at Bethany as she stormed away ‘go and f*** your father again you stupid little bitch.’


Now who in the world could she mean?


And what will Jett Black say when he returns from New York this coming week to the man who may very well have knocked up his little girl? Or his niece. We doubt that Bella will be able to placate him any more than she could Bethany…


Incey, Wincey Spider…

Speaking of Bella Jade Black – she certainly seems to have woven a nice little web for herself within the Adult Playground.


You are all aware of how this humble journalist feels about the one they call ‘Queen’ of the Underground, the opportunistic little orphan and would-be child-bride of a conveniently insane heir to billions. It now seems that all her hard work has finally paid off.


After two weeks on ‘holiday’ with her legal guardian during a ‘voluntary’ stint in the Oakleaf Retreat and Rehabilitation Facility (we have it on good authority that Bella emotionally blackmailed Jasper to get him to agree to the trip)…after administering said guardian with copious amounts of Prozac, Xanax and the Gods only know what else and having him sign his Power of Attorney over to herself…and a last minute trip to Vegas where neither Jasper nor Bella was seen to leave their private villa at the Bellagio for four days…it appears that the spider has once and for all entangled her prey.


We all know what happens too often in Vegas…and judging by the shiny new ring on her Highnesses finger and reports of the two ‘lovebirds’ behaving like besotted and giggling teenagers at the Underground last week, we can only imagine the worst. I wonder how the rest of the family will feel knowing they weren’t invited to the wedding? And will Gem Scarlet, recently abandoned fiance of Jasper, give her blessing to the newlyweds? Unlikely.


Little Lost Red Riding Hood…

Another individual who will not be so gracious in her acceptance of the new Mr and Mrs Black is darling little Red whom, we are told, was admitted to emergency two weeks past when she went into premature labor.


The little waif barely seemed to be pregnant at all since her ‘condition’ was announced late last year, let alone ready or capable to go through the process of childbirth…and yet miracles, it seems, can happen…even in the Black household.


Julian Benjamin Black, son of Emily Gabrielle and Jasper Baelian Black was born 3 months premature on Saturday the 4th of May, 2013. Reports indicate that the ‘doting’ father was seen to be by Red’s bedside the moment that his duties at the Underground were done (or at least after he’d thrown a glass at a wall and called his own daughter a whore for telling the world he’d bedded and impregnated her as well).


Charming…romantic…beautiful.


Until the day after the child was born – when he hopped on a plane to Vegas and married Bella instead.

Perhaps the writing has been on the wall for the King and his ‘greatest treasure’ for a while…with the dashing Mr Bond on the scene more and more lately, rumors are starting to circulate that not only is the relationship between Red and Jasper at an end…but questions as to the true paternity of her child have started to be asked.


If her child grows up to love Aston Martin’s…we’ll know who’s to blame.


There She Blows…

Every now and again a flicker of a candle flame arises in the shadows…a glimmer of hope in an otherwise dark world…something to cling to and believe in.


Such was the marriage between Kerryx and air-conditioner Dexter Black III. It gave us hope that true love could be found even within the twisted and disfigured playground of the Black Family…it made us believe that perhaps it wasn’t all bad. As long as Kerry and Dexter continued to fight the good fight for lovers everywhere, we could weather anything else that the world chose to throw at us…


Now it seems that fairytale has also come to an end.


It began with a misinterpreted fantasy – whispers of cuckolding and betrayal…and spiraled into a lover’s quarrel the likes of which we have never seen.


Then came the nail in the coffin…in the form of Winston Jeffrey Black, a visiting and distant relative (a portable heater) come to stay at the Underground for the coming Winter months.


That Kerry and Winston would be attracted to one another was not surprising, given her penchant for inanimate Black men (one wonders how long before necrophilia will follow)…yet none could predict the jealous rage that Dexter would fly into at mere conjecture alone.


Sources say that Kerry has been ordered out of their home, with Dexter living it up at his cousin Jasper’s expense in the meantime – a steady stream of hookers and other unsavory individuals frequenting the household in the Mistresses absence.


What else was there for a distraught Kerry to do but fly into the rotating fans of the ready-and-willing Winston?


Blacklight predicts a messy divorce will follow.


All characters and story lines remain the property of N.Ristovski and the Underground. All character writings within the Underground are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2013. Natalie Ristovski.



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TALES FROM THE BURLESQUE UNDERGROUND